Law and Order Part 2

Law and Order
Part 2

Kids need boundaries. I love this quote from Thomas Sowell, “Each new generation born is in effect an invasion of civilization by little barbarians, who must be civilized before it is too late.” Preach it Thomas! When involved in ministry to children, you know they are barbarians in need of civilizing. And of course it doesn't happen just by chance. Without limits or boundaries, children will naturally gravitate towards misbehavior, for the most part. Part 1 talked about the four rules we've implemented over the years. Of course, for us, these rules have been exactly what we needed to bring order to situations that were sometimes on the verge of chaos. But the rules cannot work alone.
Peanut butter and jelly. Salt and pepper. Hot dogs and green chili. Rules must have a complement, a vital second part that when missing leaves rules without any power. That's were the consequences come in. Consequences are good, they help shape a child and they give a child a reasonable understanding of when they are close to or have crossed a line. Rules without consequences only confuse and enable children to make unwise choices.
Whenever a child breaks a rule, there is a consequence with an increasing level of "uncomfortableness." And so here are the four consequences and an explanation of each.
First time a child breaks a rule, they receive a Warning. Take a moment to explain why they are receiving a warning, ie. they were talking, not paying attention. And then go on with your lesson, don't dwell on the situation, just remember little Johnny has received a warning.
The next time little Johnny breaks a rule, he receives Strike One. Again, taking a moment to explain why. An added level of uncomfortableness is that I do remind the child that the next time they break a rule, the consequence becomes much more severe. And then go on with your teaching.
Strike Two is when life gets interesting for little Johnny. When he breaks another rule, then the consequence is moving. At this point, I feel a "new" environment is in order, so Johnny is now moved to a new seat either next to another leader, or if you have boy and girl sections, Johnny would get moved to an OUT OF THE WAY seat on the girls side, little Janey gets moved to an OUT OF THE WAY seat on the boys side. This is severe so do what you can to minimize the impact on both the child being moved and the children he or she now is sitting near. I do again remind the child that the next time he breaks a rule, then he is choosing to receive the most severe consequence, Strike Three.
Strike Three means that when a parent comes to pick up, the parent, the child receiving Strike Three and me (and if possible the leader who gave Strike Three) will be having a little conference to let dad or mom know about the child's unwise choices. Surprisingly, whether in inner-city or suburbia, parents always have received well the information about their child. Part of the conference is reaffirming with little Johnny that we do love him, care about him and want him to be a part of our time, but the rules need to be followed.
A child receiving Strike Three because they deserve it is life changing in a couple of ways. The child knows their actions will bring consequences, an understanding children need to be reminded of pretty much constantly. Also, the child's peers realize the leader is serious about everyone following the rules. I've seen it happen a number of times when peers managed to barely get by without receiving the last consequence, they toed the line immediately when one of their own was not as fortunate.
I give you and leaders I train the same guarantee. If you are experiencing behavior problems and the child does not have severe special needs issues (another future post), implementing Rules and following through with the Consequences will change your life. You will bring order to a chaotic situation and I promise you AND the children will be blessed. Children need boundaries.

A few important items to consider:
If a child deserves a consequence, they MUST receive it. Not following through erodes respect, not a good thing.
New service, new scenario means four more chances. Don't carry over warnings or strikes for more than one service.
Review the Rules and Consequences before every teaching time, small group, outing, etc... Really, it takes about two minutes to review lightheartedly.
Never, ever embarrass; do everything within your power to lessen the chance of a child being embarrassed in front of their peers. Some embarrassment is going to take place no matter what, just don't excacerbate it.
I make a deal with the kids, unless they receive strike three, I won't talk to their parents about their behavior. I see it as holding up my end of a bargain. I don't want to make an issue of a child receiving a warning or a couple of strikes.
But if a child is constantly receiving Strike Two, I will say to them the next time they receive Strike Two I will let their parents know.
Keep an eye on militant leaders. Sometimes folks like the godlike power of giving out consequences. Keep them in check and or gently move them on to another ministry, like the choir.
And lastly, if you implement Rules and Consequences, you must follow through. I know, I said this already, but it's vital.

Let me know what you think. Be sure to bookmark and add this site to your RSS feed reader so you'll be up to date on new posts.

Wayne

Law and Order Part 1

Law and Order
Part 1

I've seen "barely controlled chaos" and it was not good. Picture any number of elementary age children during a large group teaching time all doing one of the following; getting up and walking around, pinching each other or pulling the hair of someone near them, playing with toys they've brought or worse, playing their handheld video games, leaning backwards in their metal chairs with their feet on the kid in front of them, sitting with their backs to the presenter, and the nonstop talking to their neighbors in front, besides and behind them. And the poor presenter trying their very best to speak truth into these kids lives, extremely frustrated or at the opposite end, aloof and apathetic.

You know you've been there! Either you've seen this or you've experienced it yourself as a lead teacher. And it's such a downer, it's so draining to present in front of a group of children and have to "fight" with them to just have them barely pay attention. If you're in children's ministry, you're going to constantly be in situations where you need law and order, boundaries, or limits so that your presentation is effective, engaging and helpful. Children need boundaries, without them chaos reigns supreme. The next few paragraphs will help you to have a safe, more calm yet interactive and fun environment whatever your group setting.

Four Rules and Four Consequences
My wife and I started our children's ministry lives in the inner-city of Minneapolis. Lots of chaos. We had children attending our large and small group settings who had few or no boundaries in their home life. We were pulling our hair out when we hit on an idea that with some tweaking over the years we continue to use to this day. Are you ready? Here comes the $1,000,000 secret. Drum roll please.
Four easy to understand and "positive" rules and four consequences.

Here are the four magic rules:
Be Attentive, Be Where You Should Be, Be a Good Neighbor, and Be Respectful

Let's put some meat on these bones here. Why "positive" rules? Especially in the inner-city, the kids were constantly being told NOT to do this or that. And if fact we started out with rules that were "NOT" rules, like "Do Not Talk." It didn't make a lot of sense to say that a child could not talk or they could not move from their seat, when there were times when we wanted to them to talk, or move from their seats. Also, we realized our goal was not to have complete silence during a presentation. We wanted interaction, just controlled interaction. And we wanted children to learn to take responsibility for their own actions, so we gave them positive rules they could understand and work at. We were creating an atmosphere of what they could do not what they couldn't do. We have the same goal today.

What do the four rules mean?
Be Attentive. I explain it by saying, "We want you to pay attention to what's going on. Whether you're in large or small group, you need to pay to attention to know when it's time to laugh, be silent, talk with your neighbor, act out a request, etc... If you're not paying attention, you may miss out on something important."
Be Where You Should Be. This one is easily explained, "Wherever you're supposed be, that's where you need to be." So if a child is supposed to be in their seat at the moment, that's where they need to be. If they are supposed to be using the restroom, that does not mean they should be wandering the halls.
Be A Good Neighbor. "Your neighbor may really need to hear what's being said today, so what can you do to help them?" I usually review a couple of real and silly things that can bother a neighbor, like putting your feet on their chair, poking them, sticking your elbow in their ear, etc...
Be Respectful. "We always respect, God (point up), whomever is talking (point to the front of the teaching area) and each other (point to all the students), we never make fun of anyone."

I was joking about these rules being magic. What we've always liked was that there were only four rules, we never wanted to have a long list for either the kids or our leaders to have to remember. Also, the "positive" aspect of the rules was always appealing to us. We wanted the kids to do something positive rather than not do something negative. And we've been able to use the rules in almost any situation; large group, small group, off campus outings, on campus field trips, even in our home with our own boys. With slight changes in the wording, they can be applied to just about any situation.

In Law and Order Part 2, we'll discuss the equally important Consequences and the guarantee I give to all leaders. Be sure to bookmark and add this site to your RSS feed reader so you'll be up to date on new posts.

Wayne

Country, Opera and Stories

Alright, here it goes. I'm going to let you in on a closely held secret about my life. This may radically change the way you think about me, but I'm willing to be transparent.
I like to listen to country music and opera.

Yep, you read that correctly. The music I hated as a young man, I love now. There is something about an opera piece or a great country song that just grabs me. In fact, this morning as I listened to one of those gripping country songs, I asked myself what made it so appealing to me? When it comes to country, I do like the twangy voices, the music, especially the steel guitar, and I like the story. Opera; the music, the female voices singing and again, the story. It's the narrative, the telling of some event in a compelling way that I love because honestly, it moves me.

So, what's so special about the story? As I listened this morning, even as I write now, it's the tale that made the impact. A good story can greatly affect. It can change our emotional state sometimes instantly. Many times I've come home from work in one mood and after hearing a great story from the day told by my wife or children, I'm completely transformed emotionally.

The story has the power to transform us partly because it helps us focus. You know it's true, when a story is being told that somehow piques our interest, we're glued. We hang on every word. We don't want to miss any details because we're wrapped up in the story. And the outcome is that oftentimes we're inspired by what we've heard.

Ok, Wayne, but what does this mean for me? When in children's ministry, it seems like most of the time it can be a rough uninspiring road We don't always see fruit in those we are pouring our lives into. And you know, sometimes those kids are just downright mean. But it's the compelling stories we hear that once again drive home the point that what we're doing is worthwhile, eternally worthwhile. It's when beaming dads and moms tell us about how their child is living out their walk with God that we are then re-energized. It's as if God the Father reaches down and pats us on the back, wow what a wonderful feeling!

And so I challenge you to look for and be encouraged by those stories. Go ahead and feel good about the ministry that's taking place through you. Thank God for Him showing you a glimpse of what He sees and knows. Take that story and let it inspire you until the next one. And lastly, pass those stories on to those around you. What a precious gift you hold, when you see a peer who is struggling and needs something to affect them, and then you tell them the story that's been your most recent pat on the back.

So what great ministry (NOT country or opera) stories have you heard lately?

Wayne